Thursday, January 3, 2013

Chapter 2: Boarding Action

There was one thing Captain Reptilian hated more then people disproving his wild childhood speculations on real life. A man had died in front of him at least once today and there had not even been a single camera rolling. everything he had ever been taught was a lie and most of the lies he had been taught weren't even good ones. and furthermore some chicken stealing black stereotypical man wanted to come aboard the Why Wont You Love Me and steal the precious fried chicken. it was unacceptable, completely unacceptable. he walked over to the emergency captain intercom located next to the mini wine cooler and grabbed it. "Hailing Chief Getto of the Coast Guard, do you read me? This is Captain Reptilian, Lord of the Why Wont You Love Me, over" His partially repressed childhood Hollywood career was coming back to him.

"Yeah dawg, this is Chief Ghetto, can we just board ya-know-know?"

One Joke Horse saw the glean in Captain Reptilian's eye before he even said it. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY LOVE AWAY, RAMMING SPEED"

everyone gasped in unison. Red lights began flashing everywhere, which gave Ace Chaser a stroke, as he was never good with flashing lights. but before he passed out he whispered "I'm feeling Aces high" Truth be told the ship had not actually sped up or changed its course to ram the smaller boarding ship as Captain Reptilian had no real power over the ship when he wasn't in on the bridge behind the wheel.

"But sir, you cant do that! They're part of the Coast Guard!" said a random crew member who was always in the room, but he was not important before this point and so there was no reason to introduce him.

"Mutiny? Not on my ship!" Captain Reptilian cried as he picked up Crew Member, ran outside onto the deck and threw him off the ship into the icy-drink of the ocean.

One Joke Horse had only seen one man snap like this before, it was known as "Boarding Madness". it was a similar to "Deep-Sea Madness" and "Space Madness" but much, much worse. One Joke Horse picked up Stuart who was mildly conscious, but loosing blood fast and dragged him outside the bar to a nearby room which happened to be the ship's tertiary infirmary that was well prepared for treating gunshot wounds.

"Damn it, you'll make it Stuart." he was bleeding a lot, but it was nothing that a well trained Texan couldn't fix. "Its a good thing your not from Texas, else this bullet hole might have been bigger, everything bigger in Texas..." After saying that One Joke Horse realized he was almost out of Texas jokes. "Your jokes are bad, but your heart is true. I love you brother."

"What do you mean Stuart?" One Joke Horse said as he propped Stuart on a table in the infirmary.

"I knew it since the first time i looked at you." Stuart coughed and then continued "I just wanted you to know that i loved you. i don't think I'm gonna make it, my blood is too thin from all the spirits. There's nothing keeping me alive except willpower now"

"That's not how the body works, Stuart. Stuart? STUART???"

Stuart's eyes were closed and he didn't say anything else. "Come on, your going to make it!" One Joke Horse said as he took out a septic kit and began working on the wound. One Joke Horse took Stuarts pulse and slumped against the table and looked out into space, Stuart was dead.

"As they say in Texas, i said one joke too many"

The comforting astral projection of One Joke Horse faded from the room that Stuart’s dead bodied lay. Obviously it was an astral projection, because One Joke Horse was being tortured by Griot at the time, and it would be very strange for him to be both comforting Stuart and being tortured in a different room at the same time. Speaking of torture, Griot was torturing One Joke Horse, in theory for information, but Griot didn’t really even know what information he was looking for. This continued until further stated, but as other characters were doing other things, One Joke Horse was being tortured, and someone was either astral projecting him, or hologramming him. Stuart didn’t know, because he was dead.

Captain Reptilian was staring down the “opposing” coast guard ship, waiting to see what their next move was. It was strange because their captain claimed that boarding procedures had been initiated, but they had not moved since then. All part of their nefarious plan to trick Captain Reptilian into surrendering, or make him commit suicide, at least that is what Captain Reptilian had figured. If the boats were alive (which they were not) they would have gotten bored by now, but would also be tortured by having no free will and being enslaved by humans, so it was a good thing the “The Why Won’t You Love Me” wasn’t alive.

Finally the coast guard loud speaker blared “Umm, hello, this is Captain Sin, former bishop of the former coast guard ship (See: Cardinal Sin). We have mutinied the former captain for perpetuation of negative stereotypes, and locked him in the former kitchen (see:brig). The crew has voted and decided to become pirates, with a vote of 51-49, defeating the “mass suicide” party (See: democracy). We have also voted to rename the ship the “Black-Skull Raider” beating out the “Life is Meaningless” by a vote of 51-49. We will now begin boarding action as pirates, which is similar to coast guard boarding, but we also rape, pillage and plunder, etc. If you object to the previous actions, submit a protest to the “Complaints about piracy” subcommittee, which could then get passed and sent to the main legislative body titled the “Freedom is a myth, and then you Suffer and Die”…god damn mass suicide party...Anyways, Thank you and enjoy being boarded.”

“GOD DAMN DEMOCRACY!” Captain Reptilian hated democracy. 
There was no way his ship could defend itself, there were only like 4 murderers, multiple military personnel, police officers, and a fully stocked weapons shipment being smuggled on the “The Why Won’t You Love Me”. 

“Go get the weapons and defend your ship” Captain Reptilian’s brain said. He agreed, but didn’t tell his brain because she would never let him forget it. Sadly the weapons were on the lower decks, which were infested with ghosts, in theory.

Griot lived in a dank windowless cabin, given to him as a prize for being the least senior janitor on the crew. If you stopped outside at midnight that night, you would have heard strangled screams, moans of pain, and an eerie silence, as One Joke Horse refused to talk, fearing the truth would all spill out if a grain of it escaped, and Griot was unable to converse without someone saying things to repeat. Finally, the prisoner snapped.

“Stop beating me! You think I killed your brother? That’s ridiculous – as they say in Texas, don’t kill the steer less he stops giving milk.”

“…”

“Okay, fine, he died as a result of my actions, but I had to do it, to save Elsa!!”

“…”

“Okay, fine, she’s technically dead right now as well, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try my best, and I’m really starting to resent these accusations. And the bludgeoning isn’t helping either, in fact it’s kind of giving me a headache.”

“HEADACHE!” yelled Griot, and swung his golf club straight at One Joke Horse’s head, filled with fury and rage. Unfortunately for him, this unprepared attack was just what OJH was counting on, and he swerved his head at the last second. The golf club came crashing down on the table, shattering it and freeing OJH from his bindings. In the midst of the chaos, OJH swung at Griot with his fist and hit him with a surprise left, sending him crashing into the bed and dropping his golf club. OJH brandished the club. “I’ve killed many people Griot, but until now, I’ve only put a hole in one!” and he swung the club, detonating Griot’s head like a C4 filled cantaloupe.

~~~

Captain Price was brooding. Stuart was dead, yes, but victory seemed so hollow. What if this was all Stuart’s ploy, to make Price think Stuart was dead so he wouldn’t see the real coup coming? What if it was his final payback, to get Price demoted or critiqued for losing a detective? Either way, there had to be something behind this ‘death’ scam, and Captain Price vowed to get to the bottom of it, even if it meant making the ultimate sacrifice.

~~~

On board the Coast Guard ship, a session of the Freedom is a Myth, Then You Suffer and Die was in session. 

“Motion to board the enemy ship!” declared a bold senator.
“Second!”
“Motion to append ‘and rape, pillage, and plunder’ to the current motion!” replied another.
“Second!”
“Motion to append ‘and leave them a thoughtful Hallmark card apologizing for the inconvenience’ to the current motion!”
Chirp chirp chirp (those are cricket noises)

And thus, the motion was brought to a vote. Captain Sin took the podium at the front of the senate hall. “All in favor of the motion to board the enemy ship and rape, pillage, and plunder, say ARR!”

A chorus of R’s rang out across the ship.

“All opposed to the motion, stab your throat with a cutlass!”

Twenty one dead pirates later, the pirates had set up their grappling hooks, boarding rams, and readied their distraction cannons, and it was time for some Boarding Action.

~~~

Dream-like memories from her younger years bent at Elsa's consciousness. They originated back from when she had a real family. Stuart was drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper, and Price, their son, was eating toast before he left for the morning bus to school. He was wearing his "Young Detective" badge on his backpack, he wanted to be just like his father, a man of the law. Price's twin brother Bill sat next to Elsa. He was reading a book smiling, this one was his favorite. Then she remembered the darkest night of her life.

"I love you Mommy", "What are you doing Mommy", "Dont hurt me Mommy!", "Dont Blend me Mommy!", "Augauuguauuag!"

The vision changed to Elsa's reflection in the shattered bathroom mirror. She was covered in puree smiling with a bright grin while Price watched horrifically in the background. She bent down and whispered to Price, "Stuart did it. He made me do it, never forget what he did, Hate him forever..."

She woke up, covered in cold sweat and black soot in her regular clothes. There was no way to tell were she was because it was too dark to see anything. Elsa stood up and reached around for support from a wall. Within a minute she found the door and tried to open it, it wouldn't budge no matter what she tried. She put her ear to the door and heard the resounding thump-thump of footsteps.

"Hey! Is anyone out there! I'm Locked In! And its dark!" she yelled while banging on the door with both fists.

She heard the clanking of of metal bolts and watched as light poured in through the threshold.

"The hell are you doing here woman?" Captain Reptilian hissed.

"HA!" she shouted, "I've caught you, Mr. Murderer! i knew you would come down here and it was all according to my plan." She lied through her teeth while trying not to look foolish.

"Just so you know, Mr. Murderer is a outstanding Navigator living on deck 3, room number 532. Besides i came down here to save the ship from democratic pirates with the weapons from the smuggled gun shipments. That is if these GOD DAMN GHOSTS WOULD STOP POKING ME." he concluded flailed his arms around his head.

"Do you mind if i come with you? If you left me alone i would get lost, sad face." she frowned in unison with her words.

"Fine, just don't backseat get stolen guns. Oh and spoiler, I heard from Captain Price your husband is dead. MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Like a Harry Potter fan during the 7th book release night massacre, the spoiler was too much for her and she broke down into tears. For the first time ever, she had absolutely no one to nag.

Captain Reptilian felt bad. Not the type of bad you feel when someone tells you that you cannot marry a ship, the type of bad when you find your eyepatch toting parrot Walter dead. He tried to begin walking away but Elsa grabbed his pants leg and wouldn't let go.

"Please don't leave me, i need a man..." she reconsidered, "No, I need a cold-blooded captain in my life!"

"Ah...." Captain Reptillian considered for a moment, "Noo..........?" he said as he began moving away down the hallway towards the smuggler's hold.

She ignored his answer and followed him down the hall step after step. "I'll always love you Captain, Just never try to leave me..."

“Get off me you god damn ghosts! Hua!” Captain Reptilian swung into the air like a Fury mixed with a hornet’s nest. “take that, one hit knock out!” If there were ghosts (there were not) and if you could knock out ghosts (you could not), then Captain Reptilian would have knocked out that ghost (he did not). The girl person that he found in that room place following close behind him, almost too close…like a person possessed with revenge…and ghosts. He would do something about it, but the only thing worse than being attacked by a person possessed by a ghost is being in the lower decks alone surrounded by ghosts. So he let it slide…for now. Plus, he would need all the help he could muster against those pirates, even if his allies were his greatest enemy, which he thought was ironic, and his brain would disagree, but it was in a coma from the immense illogic of Captain Reptilian’s plan, which he labeled “Gho-st and Die, then we’ll eat some Pi-rate”.

Elsewhere on the ship, pirates had begun boarding the ship, and while a life in the coast guard had made them proficient at taking property (though they had to adapt to seizing jewelry rather than drugs) and killing people, they found the act of rape quite foreign. Sadly the anti-rape amendment was still going through various subcommittees, and had been amended to include extremely controversial sections like the “Give deck 3 a new refrigerator” and “build a planetarium to create jobs”. So the pirates were stuck, since they didn’t particularly want to rape anyone, but the legislature told them to. Such were the failings of democracy and rape. They also seized 80% of the ship in 10 minutes. All that was left was the lower decks, and processing the surprising amount of criminals they found on the boat, and then throwing them in the brig.

Meanwhile, Professor Naberton F. Branches was a tree, and sat in Captain Reptilian’s office, unable to move because he was a tree in a pot.

Elsewhile, in the Coast Guard ship, Captain Getto was finishing up his makeshift lockpick. He found he was quite adept at lock picking, not because he was a criminal in the past, he just happened to be good at it. The door to the brig swung open. It was time to regain his ship, but first was first, he had to kill Cardinal Sin, who sat in the command tower of the “The Why Won’t You Love Me” as he thought. “You know what they say, the best way to kill a cardinal is with a few eggs” A voice said from behind him.

Meanwhere, one of the pirates was murdered while he contemplated the upcoming elections in the bathroom. The murderer did nothing special to kill him and left no clues, as he was the…Boring Murderer, and his childhood was nothing special!

It was past midnight at the Casino Tiburon. The Man and The Woman sat in a rooftop garden sipping sherry, gazing at the stars, and plotting world domination using an army of superhuman lizard men.

“Any progress from the lab?”
“Yes, the army should be 
bred by tomorrow afternoon, and fully grown by Tuesday.”
“Excellent…although that does put some pressure on our seafaring scheme.”
“It doesn’t even make sense! Why would he be able to control them just because he’s-“
“It’s the Squamata gene, remember? We activated it in him, but there wasn’t enough control – we were young, inexperienced evil scientists. So the Squamata gene is more pronounced in him than it will be in our new generation. This has some unfortunate side effects, such as madness and delusions of grandeur, but most importantly, it means he can telepathically control our entire army, if he is not removed from the picture.”
“But he won’t even know they exist!”
“That’s not a chance we can afford to take. It took us 30 years to gather the resources to try this again; do you want to lose it all to the whims of fate? Plus we don’t know exactly how the Squamata gene works. He might be able to control them inadvertently.”
“Alright, alright. But didn’t we send a hitman after the ship?”
“He never reported back.”
“Shit.”
“Yes, it’s time to up the ante. It’s time to call in…THE SKYMURDER.”

~~~

30 years earlier, it was a bright sunny day, and Samuel Reptilian was going for a ride. He didn’t know where, but it didn’t matter! Afterwards, his mom had promised that they would go to the pet store and get a puppy! And then they would go to the ice cream store and get chocolate ice cream, and his puppy could have some too! This was going to be the best day ever! As they drove towards the shiny white office towers, Sam stared out the window into the rearviewmirror, and humanity stared back.

~~~

One Joke Horse burst out of the cabin, and found himself surrounded by pirates. “Who the hell are you?”

“We’re the pirate committee. Protocol requires you to give us all of your jewelry, baubles, trinkets, amulets, and all that. Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind being raped, it would be a big help to us?”

One Joke Horse stared in slack-jawed confusion. “As they say in Texas, are you on crack or something?”
“Surrender immediately or face legislative sanctions…oh, and walking the plank!”

One Joke Horse reached for his magnum, but they engulfed him like a piratous gelatinous slime, knocked him out, captured him, robbed him, and took him to their brig (though they didn’t end up having the heart for the whole rape thing). 

~~~

When One Joke Horse woke up, he was in a dank, poorly lit room which appeared to be a kitchen. “Man, I’m really good at getting captured these days…” he said, rubbing his eyes. A slightly disheveled, extremely black man stood before him.

“WHOA SUCKA, I’m Captain Getto! Where’d you come from!”
“I was captured…so you’re captain of these pirates?”
“WAS captain. SHOULD BE captain. That goddamn honky-ass mofo Cardinal Sin took my place. I ran a respectable coast guard. HE runs a pack of trashy sea rats! Yo sucka, you gonna help me take out that mofo?”
“Well, as they say in Texas, the best way to kill a cardinal is with a few eggs.”
“Yo, here’s a gat. I always keep a spare or two in my afro. Come with me and take the ship!”

 Captain Reptilian and Elsa finally arrived to the weapons locker located in the deepest and darkest part of the boat, the ex-secret cargo hold behind the employee only bathroom.

"Stand back," Captain Reptilian said with authority, "only captain-types
can access the lock's control pannel."

Captain Reptilian clicked open the pannel and revealed a keyboard and computer without a keyboard or mouse. on the screen there was a big menu. 

"Open? Y/N" the computer projected.

"How does it open if you cant click it with the scroll-y thing?" Elsa quizzled.

"Like this" The captain then reached into one of his deep pockets and pulled out a golden mouse with "PASSWORD TO SECRET CARGO HOLD" written on it in capslocked Ariel Sans. he plugged it into the computer and clicked the "Y" icon. The sound of machinery echoed in the cavernous background

"They're not real echos, i had a surround sound system installed to play that when it opened because everyone knows echos noises instill fear into yetis"

The vault door exhumed smoke and billowed steam then gave up and opened fully revealing its contents.

Elsa expected to see rows of guns, piles of cocaine, Grenades filled with grenades and enough equipment to rob the ship's first nationalistic bank on Main Ship Street, Why Wont You Love Me?, Middle of the ocean. but instead there was only one weapon.

"BEHOLD THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON" said the surround sound "From Feudal Japan, bear witness to the Naganata of Kenkon"

A weird double sided blade sat on a rack in the middle of the room. its aura of evil power filled the room while the fans and lights highlighted the floating evil like a light show at a Coldplay concert, except there was less pretentious songs played.

"So the legend says 'The fate of this universe will be deiced be decided by the man who find this blade in their jacket.'" Captain Reptilian said

"Why do you have such an important weapon on this ship if its so important? what if the ship sinks?"

"Are you stupid, woman? ships don't sink they float on, water go back to kindergarten."

"I taught kindergarten. Sad face...."

"Congratulations! i bet they all became crack dealers."

"Thats what Stuart used to tell me, I miss him so much. Hold me Captian, my Captain!"

"Ummmm.... No" he said. he waked around her and into the room and retrieved the double bladed weapon and slung it onto his back. "Now its time to teach these pirates what FCC is good for."

“Task’em and blast’em!” Ace Chaser violently awoke from his hospital bed; luckily no one was there to hear his failed catch phrase. The last thing he remembered was that his sensei died, and that he saved the boat from exploding, and after that everything was a blur. Clearly he was shot because he was in a bed and was badass, and badass people don’t get in hospital beds without being shot. He got up. He went to the door. “groan” he groaned, as he opened the door. Wound was still fresh, fresh fresh fresh. His mind wasn’t with him he thought, probably from the bullet wound in wherever the bullet used to be. He tried thinking harder, but he still couldn’t remember how he got shot, or why, or when, and especially who. Or who not?

The door opened as a result of him opening it, and he left the medical bay, and say the absolute chaos on board. The coast guard seemed to be attacking the people on board. Usually Ace Chaser would defend the innocent, but he didn’t know them personally, so who was to say they weren’t terrorists? He also yearned for official recognition after having his blast master badge revoked by the Vorneplex city council, so he went to the bridge to see who he could receive orders from.

Elsewhere on the bridge, Cardinal Sin, now Captain Sin, was surveying his vast pirate empire of two ships. First two ships, then three ships, then more ships. Eventually he would control global trade and kill those damn illuminati mystics that stopped working with the Vatican at manipulating global gold markets. God damn Illuminati…
JUST THEN! “CAP AND BLAST!!!” Ace Chaser burst into the room after blowing open the door with bombs he found in his jacket. The door was open and no one really opposed him going inside, but entrance was 9/10ths of the law, and he obliterated the last tenth. “What are my orders!?!?!?”

“Who are you and where are my guards?” Cardinal Sin replied as he flew across the room from the explosion.

“I’m Ace Chaser, on the scene, and they are not on the scene.” Ace Chaser knew this because he was there and they were not.

Cardinal Sin got up off of the charred remains of his coat. “…and you want orders?”

“Yes”

“Are you in the coast guard?”

“Technically no.”

“Well you are now, you are officially my first mate since no one else seems to have much initiative in protecting me.”

“AWWWWWW YEEEEAAAAAH!” Ace Chaser did a jumping fist pump. “What are my orders?”

“Your orders are to protect me and this ship from those who would seek to disrupt my rule.”

“AAAAAAACE CHAAAAAAACEEEEEEEER” Ace Chaser jumped out of the window; now that he had orders he could neglect them more clearly, and knew who his enemies were: bombs and uppity people.

As Getto and One Joke Horse left the kitchen, they heard a desperate voice behind them.

“I’m not a cook!”
They turned around and a pale, flabby man with a chef’s hat and a monocle was running towards them.
“Huh?”

“I can’t bake bread, I promise! And I don’t know anything about soufflés!”
“Why would we care? As they say in Texas, you’re nuttier than a pangolin made of almonds.”
“Take me with you! Please! I have no idea how to properly broil a roast!”
“Well, as long as you keep yo’ sucka mouth quiet, you can join us,” Getto allowed. “We need mo cannon fodder fo sho.”

They crept through the depths of the Coast Guard ship, whose proper name was “Mangala’s an Asshole”; however, that name was rarely used, since no one remembered it. Finally, they reached the central atrium, where the remaining skeleton crew was holding a meeting of the “Freedom is a Myth, Then You Suffer and Die.”

“All in favor of the ‘Removing rape from the previous legislation to board the ship amendment, which has the ‘illegalizing parrots, scurvy, and rum’ and ‘promoting strong dental hygiene’ riders attached, say aye!”

“Aye’m not a cookkkkkkkkkkkkkk!” yelled the man in a chef’s hat, jumping down from the rafters onto the chief podium. “What the hell?” asked the legislator, but his bewilderment was short-lived, as the chef pulled out an enormous butcher’s cleaver from his hat. “I am unable to produce a satisfactory lemon meringue pie!” he bellowed while swinging it, decapitating the legislator. The crowd murmured with vague unease. This didn’t usually happen during deliberations, but without a chief legislator, how could they pass a bill that would allow them to leave?

Getto and One Joke Horse took advantage of the ensuing bloodbath (much hackin’, whackin’, and smackin’ occurred) to sneak away, heading upwards towards the deck of the ship.

~~~

Meanwhile, the boring murderer killed a woman in the ship’s billiard room with a knife. He had no motive, and he was never caught.

~~~

Ace Chaser was chasin’ the case to WIN AGAIN. He hit the deck rolling, emerging in the middle of a shuffleboard game. “Freeze, lawbreakers! Your goose is cooked…LIKE A SMOKING ACE!”

5 minutes later, Ace Chaser had escorted the criminal elderly men to an impromptu brig (the pool cabin) and was ready to bust some more perps…ACE STYLE. Then he heard a whistling from above. “I know what that is!” yelled Ace Chaser, even though no one was around to hear him but a scruffy janitor. “It’s a bomb, and that means it’s time for ACES HIGH!”

He ran up the stairs and senselessly leaped through the air. Some events are likely, some are unlikely, and some are about as likely as a boat containing multiple unrelated murderers. What happened was one of the latter events, as Ace Chaser had somehow timed his jump perfectly to intercept the rapidly parachuting assassin commando team known as the Skymurder. They came crashing down in a tangled mess of cords and cloth, landing in a broken heap on the deck while Ace Chaser stood victorious over his latest adversary. “The only card I need is the Ace of Spades, but the only card you need is the Go Directly to Jail card…ACE!” Ace taunted as he led the three surviving members of the team off to the brig.

~~~

Many miles away, in a vat deep underground, a lizard army began to hatch.


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