~~~
The Story of Naginata.
*Clang*
The reverberating sound of metal against metal chimed through the corridors of the great hall. Eons past while the sound dissipated into the newborn planets.
*Clang*
The burning alloys shrieked, infringing on the returned silence. Stars forged in mighty fires burned red hot were released from the fine edge, obsidian in color.
*Clang*
The unmarred blade honed true against the flickering light. The edge cast two-hundred and twenty-two ebon shadows piercing the room's flooded light; one for each of the souls that went into forging it.
*Whoosh*
The now water dipped blade gleamed shyly as it was held upright for inspection. the crystalline structures webbed the hilt and cascaded through the brand. the aura of illustrious power could be felt from around the room.
"You need lore," Said the smith. "without that you are just metal, you must earn glory. And only fate will lead you to that."
The smith got up and rested the double-bladed weapon on a stand and relieved himself from his work. His masterpiece was complete, but upon realizing he would never do anything better with his life he shot himself twice. The first bullet was to judge how bad killing himself would hurt, the second was to end the pain from the first bullet. As the smith toppled over, his lifeless body snagged on the resting sword. the blade rolled across the warm forge's floor and was stopped only when it tumbled into the man's computer. the page left open on the screen was none other then Fanfiction.net.
after reading numerous stories (some better then others) the blade realized (After it became self aware) it had to create own story. so for years it imagined its fate. There would be a half-fox half-man searching for shards as if they were cocaine. a stupid priest girl who could sometimes hit things with arrows, but mostly sat around being useless. and a priest who was a "tolat perv". It eventually gave up at making stories and decided to teleport itself to a better written world, as Fanfiction.net had given the blade standards.
In the otherworld he found himself being wielded by a man more metal then any other. This man fought an advisory more scheme-ier then any other even if he only showed up less then four times. Through hardship, in the midst of battle the blade from Kenkon realized its second form, as Kenkon, The Axe-Naginata of Egypt.
The blade never could predict that it would be stolen, or that one day it would become the almighty Fire-Sword of the Ancient Hyperzephyrians just before the universe ended as the last notes of a harmonica carried it away to a new world.
For now the blade was content at being in the hands of a Captain. And vengeance was his name-O.
~~~
The 'Why Won't You Love Me?' never loved anyone due to being a ship, but if it could feel anything right now it would feel really really bad-sad. The anthropomorphic feelings it exhumed was that of depression and sad-badness.
For most of this cruise the captain had not even been in the helm, he had been doing other things, which made the ship very lonely. Captain Reptilian was the only one that ever talked to the 'Why Won't You Love Me?' and even though it might only be because he was insane, the ship still appreciated the attention, even after he gave it what it considered to be the worst name in ship naming history other then "Ahoy Vey", "The Loam Ranger", and the "Swims with Scissors".
Where had the captain gone to, and why was someone else in charge of her cruise?
~~~
"It's time to end diplo-democracy on this ship!" Captain Reptilian said while he wielded the Naginata of Kenkon.
"Yeah!" Elsa said as her one token comment for the chapter.
Just because a man can think and has a complex back story does not make him powerful, and the same could be said for weapons. Who would say this, well, no one would say this, but it is true, or so they say. Captain Reptilian could think, and even he didn’t really understand his own back story, and the same could be said of the Naginata. Together they formed a guy with no weapons training and a weapon with no people training. But you know what they say about mismatched pairs of things, they can kill people.
And so Captain Reptilian did. He cleaved one guy in half even, though to the guy’s credit, he was busy drawing a poster to protest Boatocare, which read “hands off my body, boat!” Reptilian also cut off a guy’s legs and then head in that order, but it was a lamp, so it didn’t really count. Reptilian also cut through a pirate captain’s hat, with his head still in it. Reptilian also cut himself by accident. Reptilian also cut 13 other pirates in various ways.
The Naginata did not do anything, because in this universe inanimate objects could think, but not act, trapped in a prison of despair so horrific that men who attempted to contact these objects went insane, or were already insane. Either way, the Naginata observed all of the bloodshed, but participated no more than a manikin flirted, which is to say not at all, except in that one episode of Twilight Zone.
Back in the lower decks of the ship, there was a room with roughly two dozen bodies stacked in it, it was a certain passenger’s room, but no one seemed concerned since the bodies weren’t hurting anyone.
Back in the upper decks Captain Reptilian killed another pirate.
Flashback: The era was 20 years ago, the place? The “Airship Dirigible”, the best dirigible ever made. On it stood a man with an eye-patch flipped up because at the moment he wanted to see with both eyes. He was standing on top of the dirigible even though so called “engineers” and “family-members” told him it was a bad idea. Nathaniel Skymurder didn’t care, for the wind was his closest ally…and his greatest friend. He was only 20 at the time, but he knew he was destined for great things. He had already put a team together, 30 good men, 3 of which fell off the top of the dirigible because they were not friends of the wind/lost their footing. The “Airship Dirigible” was to be the staging ground of his first and greatest victory, for he was about to take command of…well, he didn’t know where, but he was paid a handsome sum of money to take it, and it looked important because he had lots of money. No one would ever defeat the Skymurder, no one.
The “The Why Won’t You Love Me” had half of its fuel remaining, because it was a boat that consumed fuel. Just as its original owner intended…
Like so many people on the “The Why Won’t You Love Me” and the “Mangala’s an Asshole”, Nathaniel Skymurder had been captured. He and his two surviving crew members were tied up in some kind of hellish post-apocalyptic kitchen. He moaned, half-unconscious from the pain. The delirium faded, and he realized that they were actually in a normal kitchen, or maybe that’s just what the kitchen wanted him to think. Either way, multiple broken bones and lacerations were a great excuse to go to sleep and dream of his glory days…
15 years earlier, a still young Nathaniel Skymurder stood atop the “Airship Dirigible”; he had just achieved the greatest glory of his life to the date, the triumph of-
“ACE UP!” yelled a voice from overhead. It was…………Ace Chaser! “Get it, like wake up, but ace instead of wake, because they sound kind of similar?...Ok, maybe not the best, maybe not my finest catchphrase, but at least I’M not the captive of a deranged lunatic. Not that you are, either, mind you...Just tell me where you planted the bomb!”
“What bomb? What are you talking about?”
“Ah, so you’re in league with the Federation of Denial! They seem to grow in numbers every day…I think I captured a good dozen just in the past hour. You can always tell one of those treacherous wretches apart by the way they deny having done anything wrong. They think they’re innocent, they think they’re king of the world, but they forgot one detail…ACE TRUMPS KING!”
“Ok…”
“Now, why did you attack from the sky? Why are you here? How did you learn to fly? What is the purpose of your goggles?”
“We just wanted to talk to the captain – we were given an important message for him. Can you take me to him?”
“Sure thing – it’s time for another ACE DELIVERY!”
As Ace Chaser carried Nathaniel Skymurder up through the halls of the “The Why Won’t You Love Me”, Nathaniel caressed the red button that was hidden deep in one of his jacket pockets.
~~~
Cardinal Sin was sitting in his new impromptu office; this one had doors, which was a large improvement. Then his doors exploded.
“Seriously? Again?” he sighed at Ace Chaser. “I told you not to do that – I need an actual office to command both ships. And offices need doors.”
“You did tell me, but this ACE IS WILD!”
“…”
“Um, so yeah, so anyway, I brought you a prisoner. He wanted to talk to you.”
“Well, what is it? If you’re begging for mercy, submit a signed Mercy Request Form in triplicate to the Freedom is a Myth, then you Suffer and Die. They should get back to you within 6-9 business days, which means you shouldn’t have to undergo more than 2-3 officially mandated torture sessions!”
“I’m not here for mercy, I’m here…for vengeance.” That line sounded better in Nathaniel Skymurder’s head, but he hit the button anyway, exploding the entire room and killing both Nathaniel and the man he thought he had been sent to kill. Ace Chaser heard the explosion from two floors below after he left, bored by the lack of explosions. “I knew he was a member of the Federation of Denial…”
The democratic pirates were livid with contempt and teenage angst. in one day they had called no less then ten votes into session, and had already gone through two leaders. Not only that, but a crazed ex-captain was murder-slicing everyone who was occupying the newly claimed ship. Captain-Cardinal Sin was procedurally cremated after his untimely death and a vote had to be called to find the third leader of the National Democratic Coast Guard Pirating Society of the Sea.
Ace Chaser was cordially sent a letter with a nicely laced invitation to the election for his hard work under Cardinal SIn. He would receive it within the week or whenever the UN Coast Guard Postal Service arrived, because no one wanted to take it to him in person.
And so the third honorary naming session commenced in light of Cardinal Sin's tragic death due to X-ploding.
"Motion to elect President 'Murder "Rapeface" Manslaugter' and Vice-President 'Agrave Hold' to office," Motioned Murder "Rapeface" Manslaugter.
"..." said everyone else, because they were dead.
Rapeface then took a moment and readied himself for his commencement speech that he had prepared for about a hour.
"It has been a long, hard battle this single day against the 'Why Won’t You Love Me'. we've suffered 99.9% casualties, but your children will know you died forging a brighter future for them. I grew up at a young age. because thats what all children do, but i did it quicker because my parents named me Murder Manslaughter. Some would look at that as a curse, and they would have looked at it correctly. I was bullied my whole life until i learned how to kill people, which was at the young age of four years old. So, i spent most of my life in Juvy and escaping from Juvy. I only began to question my beliefs on murder-raping people when i met Cardinal Sin who gave me my nickname, my friend Agrave Hold, newfound hope at living a normal life, and a pocket watch i stole from him. So today i pick up his legacy as Captain of two ships and as a mentor to those who need inspiration."
There was then a ten minute standing ovation by Vice-President Agrave Hold who was the only original crew member alive. He really enjoyed the speech.
And together they swore a blood oath of vengeance against the deceased Nathaniel Skymurder, Captain Reptilian, and anyone who was aboard the Why Won’t You Love Me.
The room was dank and dark, the perfect combination for secret spy work. Not just any secret spy work, but Coast Guard secret spy work. Julington Jerrarvy was the last remnants of “the resistance” as they called themselves, and by they, they meant him, since he was the only person who founded and joined the resistance. He remained loyal to the Coast Guard ideals of ocean, boat and anti-smuggling, which put him at odds with the pirate majority, and he wanted to live, which put him at odds with the commit suicide minority. He had been waging a one man war against the pirates, which amounted to hiding and stealing small parts from the section of the ship labeled “essential navigation sector do not tamper” and “On board nuclear reactor”, mostly navigation equipment and so called “meltdown detectors”. But he had finally finished his work and assembled a working radio that could pierce through the oceanic radio barrier caused by salt whales.
Bring Bring! That is the sound the radio made for some reason “Hello? This is Coast Guard command.”
“This is Resistance Leader of the Coast Guard Julington Jerrarvy, a ship is under assault by pirates, who also happen to be former members of the Coast Guard.”
“Well, that is certainly a sticky wicket you are in then!”
“Yes, I need immediate backup so we can liberate this ship, and send the hundreds of criminals who happen to be on the attacked boat to prison."
“I would love to help, since that is my job and if I don’t start helping I will get fired for my enormous drinking problem...but I can’t help you."
‘What! Why not?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”
“All Coast Guard ships are currently on a mission fighting the salt whale armada to stop their plot to melt the polar ice caps and submerge all of Earth’s landmass. Little known fact, global warming is caused by salt whales.”
“I don’t care! If we don’t stop these pirates/criminals/murderers/civilians who also kill people, what example would that send to people who are not criminals and don’t murder people!”
“I suppose you are right...well, I guess I could send the Terror Troopers, who were not sent in because salt whales don’t feel fear.”
“Perfect! Send them soon!” Julington Jerrarvy was then killed by a murderer, who left no hints or clues, and did not tell anyone about him or his mission.
Little did the murderer or Julington Jerrarvy know, but the Coast Guard receptionist was actually a satellite with a drinking problem. The entirety of the Coast Guard was controlled by a satellite, which people would have found out, but the satellite said the Coast Guard central office was in Detroit, and no one wanted to go there. The only person who knew of the super powerful satellite that controlled the most powerful branch of government, the Coast Guard, was Captain reptilian, because he assumed everyone who was on a phone was a satellite.
In other news, a citizen with no notable characteristics or talents began noticing a pattern of people disappearing/dying without any clues, he was the Regular Detective! Person Guy!
There’s an old Texas saying: on the day of your death, the crows call out your name at the break of dawn. One Joke Horse wasn’t a superstitious man, but he was fairly certain that a similar rule applied to whales. Which was unfortunate, since it was dawn, the whales around the ship were moaning their morning bellows, and their cries sounded entirely too tri-syllabic for his taste. Finally, tired of trying to sleep, he woke up Getto, and they continued up the stairs to the bridge of the “Mangala’s an Asshole”, armed with only kitchen knives and a firm certainty that whoever they met next, they would make him sorry for holding the pair in captivity, and he would suffer in torment for several years, and maybe then they would bother to find out whether he was actually responsible.
~~~
Murder “Rapeface” Manslaughter was out for a leisurely murderous stroll surveying his two ships from the upper deck of the The Why Won’t You Love Me when he glimpsed two suspicious figures emerging from the lower decks on the Mangala’s an Asshole.
“Truly, I address you all as people; my fellow ship citizens and loyal allies. Can we allow the pandemic of crime to continue on our beautiful ships? As a past murderer, I know all too well the terrible downward spiral which a criminal career beginning with skulking and petty loitering can lead to. We must stop this now, or our children will be next!”
“Um, you know I’m the only one in ear shot, right, Mr. President? You can just talk, what’s the word, um…normally?”
“I wonder if whales would deign to eat a vice president…”
“Um, er, yeah, uh – let’s investigate those, er, scalawags…sir president!”
Rapeface had run for office on a platform of “Scurvy, profit, ziplines, and no fatal explosions,” so the two were able to take a handy zipline down to the main deck of the Mangala’s an Asshole.
“Yield, scofflaws!” menaced Rapeface. “The continuing health and prosperity of our country depends on – Getto?”
“Well corndog my chicken, yo, if it ain’t Rapeface. Who let you out of da brig? And why do you look like you just been through culinary confinement, not solitary?”
“I’ll have you know that I have reformed my ways, and am now the captain of both of these lovely vessels.”
“You ain’t captain of shit! I’m the captain! Give me yo control of the ship before I lose control of this kitchen knive into yo face!”
“My time in prison taught me that there is only one reasonable, civilized way to respond to threats – with violence!”
Rapeface drew his standard-issue pirate cutlass, and Agrave, terrified of fighting, dove into the sea and drowned.
“There’s an old Texas saying: don’t turn a duel into a melee. So I think I’ll let y’all fight this one out.”
Getto charged forward, waving his cleaver wildly. He slammed into Rapeface and knocked him off balance, or at least he would have if Rapeface had no reflexes and no combat ability. Instead, Rapeface slowly sidestepped the attack and impaled Getto on his cutlass.
“Nathan…Bedford…Forrest…forever!” he yelled with his dying breath.
“Well, there’s an old Texas saying: want a new vice president?”
And thus, Rapeface and his new vice president, One Joke Horse, set off back to the The Why Won’t You Love Me.
~~~
Deep under the sea, Whale #64 let out a low call. It was time.
President Rapeface was flipping through some pictures of his children that he kept in his pocket when it happened. The Whales began to breach around the hull of the ship one by one.
"FULL STOP" Rapeface declared, but it was too late. The ship was walled in... literally.
The Whales were actually robots that merged together to form a meaty-steel mesh wall enclosing both ships.
"As they say in Texas, a Penny lost is just a penny" OJH Philosophized.
Rapeface had no idea how this related to the situation, but he interpreted it as advice to retreat and live to fight another day.
"Come One Joke Horse, We're going to abandon ship" But before anyone could abandon anything there was loud voice.
"Hello? Is this thing on? *BBZZZZZZZZZZCHCHCHCHC* This is General Captain of the US Navy in command of the Whale Wall Legion™. We would like to place everyone under arrest. we have been watching the entire situation for the last 24 hours on our Spy-Seagulls™ and over the course of that time we have observed over 145,095 infractions of international water law. That actually might be a world record or something, yeah either way you're all under arrest for mass murder and stuff we're coming aboard in a moment."
President Rapeface knew in his heart that his people loved him and that he was personally responsible for the lives of each one of his crew mates, so he had to come up with a witty plan in seconds.
"I REQUEST PARLAY!" Rapeface declared. he knew that in the secret unwritten sections of the written law of international water law a captain could request a parlay.
"Parlay Accepted, send your captain aboard... alone. We are prepared to receive him"
Rapeface turned off the intercom and spoke directly to a man he had full confidence in even though he had only met him seconds before, One Joke Horse.
"Quickly, get over and listen, i've got a plan...." Rapeface said as the camera faded out.
~~~
Later on the US Navy ship WhaleLord: Whale #64 Rapeface.
"Have you came here to surrender personally with honor to save your crew?" General Captain said mockingly.
"Like hell i did that i was just buying time for my grand scheme." Rapeface announced.
"Sir! we've got something on the main screen!" said a random person in a wheely chair while doing 360 spins.
General Captain let the cigar fall out of his mouth. "My God, what could have down this?"
The screen showed everyone on the Why Won't You Love Me throwing furniture and other large items off the ship. so much random stuff was thrown in fact, that the Why Won't You Love Me became landlocked on the shallow waters directly under it.
"I hereby declare my ships to be a new island named Murder Rape. Also, i declare Murder Rape as a new nation in accordance with the island based laws of subsection SEA of the International Island Committee Treaty of 1643! So we are unaffected by International water law as we are a nation free of laws."
"My God! That changes everything." Everyone said in unison.
“Goddamn Navy!” Said everyone in the Coast Guard in unison, spread over the nine secret seas. The Coast Guard were fighting to destroy the whale menace, who it turned out were robots controlled by the Navy. Why was the Navy trying to submerge the world in water, because they had a water theme and that is what water themed people do. The Salt Whales were also just a ploy by the United States Navy, and their true plan was to destroy the Earth…and stop a random ship in the middle of nowhere…or was it? (it was). The Coast Guard Satellite was in full operation mode, and had not had any alcohol in the past hour, a bitter war was being waged between two branches of the U.S government, and it had to win, otherwise no one could stop smuggling, which is an important issue.
In other news, Former Captain Reptilian was a mixture of sad and sadness, since his boat was now a country, he had no boat, and therefore no captainship (GEDDID!?!?!?). The boat was also in intense agony, having been breached, beached, and generally torn apart. It would scream and moan, but it was a boat trapped in the hell of the physical world. Captain Reptilian agreed, but how could he get his ship back? His brain told him “Why don’t you try getting a band of people together to kill Rapeface, and then find some engineers to fix the ship?” But he had a better idea. Also, he had a naginata. The naginata, his idea, was there a connection???
The Terror Troopers were on their way, but not there yet.
The Nuclear reactor on the ship was slowly building in nuclearness, because it was missing a key part.
There were no ghosts on the lower decks of the ship, but if there were, they would have finally been laid to rest on the island.
The Navy was dealt with, President Rapeface was consolidating power and there was a seeming calm on the new island, most conflicts were either managed or to be dealt with later…what a nice time to be on an island of chairs. But alas, things were not so easy, there was a supernatural force a’brewin’ an angry spector of the past. Not a ghost, because those did not exist, but much much worse. The former captain, designer, and owner of the “The Why Won’t You Love Me?” was back from the grave. The reverberations of his hatred and loss echoed throughout the ship, and the ship took on a sinister green glow. This would appear to be haunted, but it could be explained by science and so on, but no one believed in science on the ship except for Bunker Gravel, and he was dead.
For his lost love, and the symbol of his lost love, the “The Why Won’t You Love Me?”, Captain Landluck unleashed a scientific spectral fury upon the island. To disgrace his former love was unacceptable (luckily she wasn’t on the ship, wouldn’t that be ironic… (…)).
No comments:
Post a Comment