There was a grave inconvenience…meanwhile, Teddy Roosevelt, or as his friends called him, Big Ted 4, rose from the grave and entered Washington DC and took it over. He passed law outlawing the ocean and all related areas. So the “The Why Won’t You Love Me” was in….DEEP TROUBLE
One Joke Horse sensed Big Ted 4’s thoughts in advance and sent an astral projection to DC to kill up all the shit. Problem solved except that there was no government. Or is that a problem?
Navy Captain Samuel moved to the left sensually. “Why are you in my quarters?” he asked Isabella McGee. “BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” she said. He disapproved, so he sent her to sabotage the “The Why Won’t You Love Me”.
The Naginata glistened in anticipation. “GLISTEN GLISTEN GLISTEN,” it would have said, if it could talk. But it can’t.
“Don’t You Care About The Law? International Water Law Does Not Impact Them.”
“I Do Not Care. We Will Strike At Dawn. With Help From My Attempted Friend.”
BACK TO THE FRONT!
The conspirators (Isabella McGee and her 13-Gauge) boarded the ship. “Are we irrelevant she asked”. No, came a word from above. It was One Joke Horse. “I dislike the current captain. Together, we will make him burn.” They teamed up and formed a team. Together, they snuck through the quiet underbelly of the ship, preparing to sabotage.
Meanwhile meanwhile, the ghosts were planning a tactical maneuver. The previous owners of the “The Why Won’t You Love Me?” gathered in the brig because it was the most ghostly place. They plotted sinister schemes. As the first owner, Captain Landluck earned the right to be chief of the ghosts, a rite which he proved in 1 v 1 combat with the second chief, “Tom Lerou”. They moved to the basement because they decided it was more ghostly.
ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS!
Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile, Samson Drew Yolanda configured the First Law Edit Council, or FLEC for short. “We must change Law Subsection SEA of the International Island Committee Treaty of 1643!” (the exclamation point is part of the law name because they were enthusiastic that day). They planned a new law, which made the sea part of every country, a universal country you could say, if you wanted to.
12 ANGRY MEN!
Now that they had official permission, the Navy moved their unofficial mission forward, expediently and quickly. One Joke Horse and Isabella McGee still snuck through the underbelly, under cover of darkness. Then they got to the core (THE CORE!). They planted the spy device, then had sex.
Samson Drew Yolanda had a history of suicide in his family. Then he killed himself. Everyone was sad, but a little bit happy at the same time.
The Navy held Captain Rapeface without the law for 12 hours, because they disagreed with it. Luckily, the law had changed in time for them to be able to legit arrest him, or larrest for short. After they larrested him, he slept in the brig. He also ate there. He checked every cake for a hidden key to get him out, but no one loved him, so there was no key. Finally, he starved to death at last, three months later. But some of the story takes place before that happens.
Deep beneath the ocean, the whales began to disagree with the whale robots and plot a coup of their own. “Whale whale whale,” they sung. “We plan this, but subversively to prevent discovery of its existence.”
“GLISTEN GLISTEN GLISTEN,” said the Naginata. Now it can talk, violating science, through the magic of friendship!
CLOSING TIME
OPENING TIME
Dark Lord Pal was not that great of a pal but he did his job of being a dark lord. there was only one great force older then 50 years old and that was a man named Stuart. but he was as dead as a ghost (but not that dead because if someone was that dead they would have never existed because Ghosts dont exist. (ever)). Dark Lord Pal had minded his business in his cabin for the longest of times as he was a percent man (part percent, but also part patient). he had waited for all the nonsense going on (ex: genocide, killings, uprisings ect.) but a man only has so much patients to attend to and only so much time to see them. so he left his cabin for the second time, the first time was visiting the bar before it was destroyed where he met a certain detective.
That certain detective, Stuart, was the whole reason he was on this ship in the first place. the dark summons (not ghosts) had whispered of his demise but that they had only told him that he was partially dead and not fully dead. His goal was now to do the conceivably inconceivably. RESURRECT THE (partially) DEAD! so he made his way to Stuarts final resting place where he was just chillin(...) under some rubbish piled on him by what looked like pirate matter.
That didn't matter however because he checked Stuarts pulse and gasped in exclamation of his realization of new turpentations! He was actually fully dead.
"It would take a real miracle to save this lunk"
So he tried his best at creating a miracle, he got some broken glass bottles ground them into dust and threw it at Stuart's body.
"That should do it"
Satisfied with his work Dark Lord Pal went back to his room and decided to watch the rest of the Twilight Sone. all of them.
~~~~
"BRING ME TO THE ONE" Said the Naginata of Kenkon
"What did you say NAGINATA OF KENKON?" yelled captain reptillian, although he knew exactly what the blade exclaimed but it had spoken twice which was presumptuous of a blade that was normally inanimate. the captain now knew his new new goal.
~~~~
Somewhere on the ship Elsa shivered, Stuart was alive and not dead. a un-fatal combination.
~~~~
Stuarts eyes opened, his head hurt and so did his bullet wounds (as in hurt him). The bulletproof he always wore in case of being shat (wit gat) had worked, but what was the price? in terms of money wise $600.00, but to him it was like a priceless companion that never left his chest (because he had forgotten how to take it off). it was there when his kids were born and when he showred and when he ate his breakfast. He would miss it for ever now that it was dead as a dead thing could die. then the post-dead headaches began to kick in.
"Worst hangover ever," he muttered as he brushed off blown up bar bits.
The dank prophetess sang, as only a person starving in a brig could (she had actually been trapped there far before any of the trouble on the ship had occurred, and was now more starving). “You shall starve 3 months from now, and that is the only way in which you shall die. You may try to escape this fate, but if you do you will never leave it.”
Rapeface looked up from the cake, as a person buried in cake would. “Are you telling me that I am destined to starve to death in 3 months?”
“Yes, that is an accurate summary.”
“TIME TO RAPEFACE!” Murder “Rapeface” Manslaughter ran at the wall at full speed and smashed right through it. While that would have killed any man, it could not kill him. He just had to remember that 3 months from now he would be back in the brig, and starve to death.
Meanwhile, Professor Naberton F. Branches was still a tree and unable to do anything to advance the plot.
The Navy had finally succeeded, and they had complete control over the ship. They had no reason to want the ship, or the island that it had created, but now that they controlled a whole country, they needed a government, and more importantly a Navy. From the ashes of the Pirate democracy came the Navy Navy, who had the sole responsibility of defending Navy island and the Navy from Naval enemies. They were commanded by no one, since they had no ships. But what they lacked in ships and people, they made up for with a 100% success record after their victory against the “sinister seaweed of 2012”. The entirety of this naval force was a dog, who liked eating seaweed. He was also the most powerful being on the boat, since he had teeth that bit people, and a fury for anything that looked similar to seaweed or people.
Meanwhile in the Dark Summon council, they had not been discovered by the Navy or the rebel forces. They continued to hatch plans to get revenge on Captain Reptilian and his Naginata (which had not talked since objects cannot talk), the Navy, and everyone else while they were there.
A slow rowboat approached from off in the distance. Where it came from was no one’s guess since they did not see it. Navy Navy dog did not care since it did not look like seaweed or people, but he was aware. Sqkweiweior had finally made it to land. After rowing that goddamn boat for 3 years he had finally reached land. The last land he saw was on fire and attacking him, and was a lava monster, so he was glad it was not that. It was time for another thrilling adventure of Sqkweiweior, the swashbucklin’, musketooning master of awakening things and then running away from them.
Another murder happened, but it was not in the Navy Navy jurisdiction.
The Naginanta sung a low tune as it prepared for war. As the tides shifted deep beneath the ocean, it knew it was time. The whales began to rise in a metaphorical spiral, clashing against the whale bots with the Naginata dancing amongst the carnage spreading a diagonal chaotic mayhem. Ultimately, as life triumphs over artifice, the whales crushed the whale bots into verdigral detritus and swam for the surface. Unfortunately, they had misplanned their latitude axis and emerged in the middle of the North Korea Harpoon Festival 2012. Whales went extinct.
Stan Chalkson was the vice vice president of the International Waters Bank (motto: Taxes is fo Suckaz), and as he gazed out over the sea on a calm October morning, he realized two things. One: his marriage was a sham, his kids hated his guts, and he was going to die at age 50 of a blood-pressure induced aneurysm. Two: there was a boat headed for the bank.
As One Joke Horse planted the spy device, a shiver ran down his spine. He soon realized that this was not a consequence of a winter breeze, a stray ice cube, or a sex-related thing, but rather the heat from his body going out into the air as he died. He then noticed the blade protruding from his chest like an extra arm, but without any of the awesome properties of an extra arm like being able to spread peanut butter AND jelly on bread at the same time. Then he died. “Sorry Horse,” said Isabella McGee, “but I thought about our alliance and voted…neigh.” She wished Navy Captain Samuel was there. Navy Captain Samuel wished everyone under his command wasn’t insane. They both wished in vain. The spy device began its machinations, to be revealed three chapters later.
Sqkweiweior finally reached land. Then he died in an unnotable fashion from a common cold gone too far.
Far off in the looming shadows of the distance, a spacecraft landed, containing an armada of deadly alien seaweed. As the early dawn rose, Navy Navy Dog felt a tingle of destiny in his spine…
With the government all dead, matters on the mainland quickly grew out of hand. Civil war spread like an insipid plague of doom. A thermonuclear earthquake bombpocalypse ensued, killing everyone who wasn’t at sea or in the sky. Little beknownst to the “The Why Won’t You Love Me,” they were one of the few remaining hopes of humanity as a whole. Big Ted 4 stirred in his grave, but was unable to rise from it as it had shifted during the thermonuclear earthquake bombpocalypse. It was humanity’s lucky day in some ways, and humanity’s darkest day in other ways (mainly the part where 99% of people were dead).
Professor Naberton F. Branches grew a special fruit that would cure all diseases known to man. Unfortunately, he was the next target on the “Tree Killaz” gang’s hit list. Luckily, before they could reach him, the “Tree Killaz” were murdered by an unknown murderer.
Detective Stuart had had enough. It was time to hang up his badge, pull out his second gun, and investigate these crimes…in serious mode.
n-GALT walked towards the stable intensely with a grim demeanor on his eyes. Isabella McGee had a brief affair with him, then died of a broken heart when he broke up with her because she refused to raise their kids Objectivist.
Unfortunately, rust never sleeps, and thus the Naginata of Kenkon regretted its decision to ever interfere in mortal affairs that involved water and subsequently died. Josh Weaver had been out at sea fishing when Africa died; he forged a new living in the ashes of humanity and lived to the ripe old age of 39 before the alien seaweed killed him.
Naberton F. Branches caught pneumonia and died, but his magical disease-curing fruit was already shipped by airmail to the international science office. Unfortunately, that office had been destroyed in the bombpocalypse. The man who wasn’t a cook tried to cook a chicken souffle when food ran out on the pirate ship, but he wasn’t a cook, and so he caught lethal salmonella cancer.
The nuclear reactor cooled down due to the epic involvement of the whole Navy crew, who threw away their lives to transfer all of the radioactive heat from the energon generator to their charred corpses. The Ghost Council (who were not ghosts) saw the noble sacrifice of the Navy crew, and decided that humanity still had a chance of being honorable and not stealing any more ships, even though humanity as a whole was destroyed short for a few dozen people, but the human spirit (GEDDIT!!!?!?!?) lived on. Navy Navy Dog won a medal for defending the now destroyed island, see below for more Navy Navy doooooog. Murder Rapeface Manslaughter died in the brig at the exact moment he was fated to die, therefore proving free will, since he decided to not have a choice. No one caught the Boring Murderer, since no one really cared/was alive to stop him, but since there was no civilization left to murder people in, he killed himself, thereby murdering the only victim he had left. The Terror Troopers never arrived, because they found the wrong boat and terrorized it. The Coast Guard satellite died of alcohol poisoning, and orbited the Earth forever. Person Guy found the dead body of the Boring Murderer, and thereby proved he was the greatest detective of all time, which then killed him since he was no longer average. Captain Reptilian was actually a reptile all along, and nothing significant happened to him. All the lizard army was dead, including the ones in the boat, due to lizard cancer and the rabid cobras of the lower decks, who were ironically eaten by rabid mice, who were ironically killed by rabid scraps of food.
The ship hit the bank, destroying the bank and killing everyone on board the bank (I guess you could say they were BANK-rupt, but don’t laugh because they actually died). Navy Navy Dog ran ashore first and ate the seaweed clinging to the side of the bank; he died in peace. 12 years later, the alien seaweed took over the wreckage of the fragments of Earth that remained. The ship then started to sink.
A rescue helicopter happened by, and sent down a rescue flare. “They’re trying to bomb us?” quizzicled Ace Chaser. “Well that ace is hi-IGH, but this ace be FLY.” He engaged his combination jet pack and firebomb, and flew up into the fiery wreckage that the rescue helicopter soon became.
Stuart was in serious mode, seriously. that gave him +3 to detective skills but his lack of badge made him weak to badgers. he mulled the story so far over in his mind, but there was too many unresolved cases in this one case of cases. he quickly walked down a hallway blatantly disguised corridor. the cameramen struggled to follow in his wake. Dead bodies were strewn around the corridor, now diced and ready to put in the oven. they were at room temperature. (which was cold) as the corridor was exposed to open air. the reminiscent flare of dead whale. It was night now. A figure illuminated in the moonlight spotlight was clouded in the hazy fog of battle. faint gurgles of ship’s dying screams could be heard as the ship began to sink faster. (but ships can’t scream). Stuart stealthed against a wall and slinked toward the figure who also was non-observant of any current boat-dying situations.
“I’ve been waiting for you... Dad.” Captain Price said. he took out a cigar, lit it and offered it to Stuart.
Stuart broke cover and walked up to him... dynamically.
“Son, i know you blamed me for a lot of things, and maybe i deserved to be blamed about a few of them. but its not too late to to reconcile our differences.”
He laughed a moment and then looked across the sea to the desolated landscape that was the new world brought by the bombpocalypse. But Elsa Appeared LIKE A GHOST (which don’t exist) SHARK.
Elsa ran in and punched Captain Price in the eye. He died of blind cancer. Then n-GALT died (and lived on in the hearts of man...) too.
“MY WIFE, NOW you DIE? (#mywife? #murder)” Yelled Stuart loudly.
Then Stuart strangled Elsa into the oceannnnnnnnn and they both died..
The ship sank broseph mccarthy..
THE END
#wtf
#diaf
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